its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
