I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
