there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Actions speak louder than pants.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
