Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
