They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
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