dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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