omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
