Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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