I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
