im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
