I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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