Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
