so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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