I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
