I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
