the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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