Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
