I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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