she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
