Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
