Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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