I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
