Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
