Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
