my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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