Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
