Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Found your dick twin last night
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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