Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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