Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
