Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
