oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
