Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
