Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
