theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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