I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
