turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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