Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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