be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
