I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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