She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
