In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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