I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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