barbara walters just said penis...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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