I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
