birth control should be required to get into college
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
