the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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