Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
