im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
