someone threw a dead crab at me
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
