So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
